Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
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accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.