Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
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How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.