Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
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Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Personal question. #JustSaying
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”