Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
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Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie