Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”