Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

lmfao

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is