Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
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DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.