“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
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I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.