“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
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*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.