dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
You Might Also Like
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
me: dating is hard
me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
This one’s “Alex”.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.