Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.