Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
You Might Also Like
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
The only good comments section online is on recipes
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.