Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)