Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh