You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
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*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.