Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

Lunatics are gonna loon.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

j o i m p

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

Yes, this is exactly right

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

Damn what did I do next

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.