Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.