Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want