Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

My Sentiments Exactly

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35

him: on what?

me: more books

him: if you’re going to read them

me: …that’s not the point

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.