Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.