Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

don’t message me unless you have this energy

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

If you love someone, let them sleep.

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on