Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
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I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Just got to our Airbnb!
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?