Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?