Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
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“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
No.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
