Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
You Might Also Like
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.