Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
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I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350