I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
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“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God