Dear Edward, maybe the reason you can’t read Bella’s mind is because there’s nothing in her head. Sincerely, Logic.

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Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.


Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I’m in the floor hanging on for dear life.


This headache I have right now must be punishment for all the ones I lied about.


Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius


Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.


Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys


Sorry I stole your 1 year old’s birthday wish by blowing out their candles but I didn’t get invited to the 2nd birthday so my wish came true


I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.