Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”