Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.