Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I told my vodka about you.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time