Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

New favorite tiktok

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.