Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

rapatouille