Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma