Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

they finally got him. they got macavity

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

Me: I love Bowl Season

Them: yeah, football every day for a month!

Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.