Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
put ‘er there pardner!
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
