Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
i’m still crying at this
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Uh oh 👀
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
This one, by a wide margin
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
