Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
*seductively eats two tums*
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
