Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

he was correct

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

wish me luck lads

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.