Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

(more comics:

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.