Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.

ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude