Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE