Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

Sorted

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me