Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.