Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

Doggies just call it style.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume