Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
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A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Pretty much. 🤣
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
This is hilarious….
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Encore…
