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Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Europe. Made in Germany.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats