Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
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Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird