Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
You Might Also Like
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
A new level of troll.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Wait a minute…
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies