Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

*plot twist*

plot: ouch!!!

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

unbelievably distressed by this ad

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.