Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
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Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.