Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
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Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or