Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
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When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
what?
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.