Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”