Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
You Might Also Like
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Worth a try
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.