Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

he chose this

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

I’m not lazy

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s