Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”

“Why not?”

[fakes a sore throat]

“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”

I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely