Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
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self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
smh
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
what’s in a name?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.