Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
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Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
This took me a second..
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.