Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
You Might Also Like
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.