Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
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I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.