Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

The game has officially changed 😎

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway