Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
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Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Noah was an idiot.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.