Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
You Might Also Like
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
There’s never enough good news
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u