Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
You Might Also Like
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I used to be married, but I’m better now
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.