@TheDailyManning

Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.

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@jjhartinger

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

@DrunksWithGuns

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

@KevinFrisbee

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

@roxiqt

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

@ddsmidt

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

@Manda_like_wine

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

@FredTaming

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going