Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here

3 yr old: no

Me: you just want bare feet?

3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

okay run it by me one more time

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

same vibe as tangled headphones