dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
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What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
What do you hear?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time