dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
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date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Baller is short for ballerina
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man