Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
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My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Sheep
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories