Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
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[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”