Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
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Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall