Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
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”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo