Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

Drive as I say, not as I drive.

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration