“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
You Might Also Like
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
What’s so funny?
You learn something every day
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.