Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
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I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored