Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
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My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I wish I were this cool 😂
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead